Sand in the Shorts: Elections - Such a Hardship

This column appeared in the April 2nd, 2011 Intelligencer


So another election is upon us. While I know some are bothered by that, and much is made by the media of the idea that that this is some sort of massive imposition on Canadians, I enjoy them. As a longtime policy wonk and political junky, this is my idea of March Madness.

And is it really such an imposition after all. How will it impact you?

• Candidates and party leaders will come to town and give speeches, shake hands, and generally work to convince you they are just like you, care about you, and will share your views when you elect them to parliament.
  • Impact on you: Only if they come to where you work, or you choose to go and see them. As these are usually publicised in advance, it is really quite easy to avoid such an event unless it is in your workplace. If it’s in your workplace, and you don’t like the visitor’s party, why not try to make rabbit ears behind them while they pretend they actually enjoy being there for the cameras. Could be funny. Could get you fired - as it should if you do it to my candidate.
• When you turn on the news, you will see (or hear, on the radio) stories about people trying to bribe you with your own money, in touching and heartfelt ways. Stories about Libya and Japan will be pushed back (and CFTO News won’t be able to devote half of a one hour newscast to a transformer fire!). If you ignore the possibility of national bankruptcy as a result of an NDP-Liberal-Bloc coalition, that means the first 5 minutes of your news will be much less depressing.
  • Impact on you: If you want to get right to Libya and Japan, I’d like to introduce you to CNN and the Beeb (that’s the BBC - not Justin Bieber, in case there was some confusion - Bieber would be ‘the Bieb’, after all). And don’t forget the entertainment possibilities, such as “take a drink every time you see Jack Layton’s moustache”, pools on the colour of Steven Harper’s sweater in his next ad, or a race to be the first to document Michael Ignatieff’s flip-flop of the day (full documentation of the original statement required, with bonus points if you can find more than one about face in the same speech)
• You will be exposed to political advertising (see above about being bribed with your own money).
  • Impact on you: This will end as soon as you:
    • Mute the TV
    • turn down the radio
    • turn the page of the newspaper
• You will have to read smart-assed columns by writers who are of the opinion they are the ones who truly get it.
  • Impact on you: None, as soon as you turn the page. Which of course won’t be necessary in the case of this column.
• You really should vote. You don’t have to, but you should. Don’t use the ‘I don’t like any of them’ excuse. That’s irrelevant - choose the one you least dislike. Don’t say it doesn’t matter. Your vote could put a candidate over the top. And if you want to make a statement about your disgust, move your lazy carcass to the polling station and spoil your ballot properly.

And if you can’t be bothered to go to your polling place to make your mark on a ballot, don’t irritate those of us who cared enough about our great country to do so by sharing your clearly under-educated and irrelevant opinion. IF YOU DON’T VOTE, I DON’T CARE! (about your opinions)

So, if you will excuse me, there’s an election going on.